


Change

by VanLight



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst & pain, Comfort, Crying, F/M, Fear, Flashbacks, Friendship, Guilt, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2018-03-19 21:55:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3625662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanLight/pseuds/VanLight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after 2x14 Fitz seems to cope well now, unfortualy his other half didn't</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hurting

Work, work, work. The only word that flashed her mind,the only thing that she could do. Being in her room only brought nightmares and it was to small to relax. She tries to make something out of Skye’s blood, anything that could possible help her, fix her. She was trying to work on new gloves with les negatieve efffects, but she needed Fitz for that. Fitz, who’s mad at her, who called her the scariest change. He was right.

He was right when he said that she never was so scared before and the truth freaking hurts. She feels the tears in her eyes but doesn’t let them go. She doesn’t deserve to cry, she needs to work so she can help. She takes a deep breath, while she tries to ... What was she trying again? 

Her mind so messed up, she lets everythig fall and accidently cuts herself to. Blood is streaming from her palm to her fingers. She is staring at it. Maybe if she let herself bleed out, that Fitz will stop with being mad, maybe Skye would come back and makes everythig better with her humor or so, she can atleast make Coulsen laugh and May and Fitz and she, she dissapoints everyone. 

Her head start spinning, she doesnt know if its from the blood, thinking or pure exhaustion. She leans on her work table, trying to get some air. She should proberly ask some help, but May is busy so is Coulsen, Fitz proberly woudn’t, Mac is nowhere to be found and Bobby only talks to her about Fitz. She is alone in this, for a moment she is concidering to call her parents, but the risk is to big. She already let to many people down and bringin them in danger...

She feels stupid and useless too. She couldn’t swim fast enough neither tell a lie to save her life (even if she got better at it), she couldn’t save Trip or help Skye, she is just an useless human being who only brings people down. She let a smile creep on her face, Fitz would yell at her for thinking like this, atleast the old Fitz would. The Fitz from this reality, she doesn’t know at all. 

A headache is forming right above her eyes. She needs rest, that for sure. Her room is out of question, she isn’t even sure she can make it to there. In her overthinking she pushes against the test tubes and they break. A green smoke escape and surrounds her, she start coughing and reach down for the emergency button.

She doesn’t make it that far, before she succumbed to the darkness.


	2. Unsteady

Heavy, her whole body felt heavy. God, and her headache wasn’t gone either. She as trying to figure out what woke her and why she couldn’t open her eyes. She could hear a lot of noice in the background, maybe if she ignored it, she could go back to sleep. She had also a cotton wool taste in her mounth, she hates that tast, it’s terrible. Slowly she tries to pry her eyes open again. It is a hard task at first, but she manage.

The moment she sees the walls of the lab she remembers what happened. She shots up, but fails and falls down with a groan. Pain goes trough her body, mostely her right arm. She Lets out a choking breath. She was so focussed on the pain, that she didn’t heard the fussing words, the sooting hands on her body who try to keep her down. Only when she hears: “bloody hell, Jemma!” That she comes back to reality.

He is there, next to her. His eyes staring at her in an intensive glare. But it’s everythig but mad. He looks carring and worried. His hand stroking her cheek. ‘You with us?’ Jemma can’t make the words come out, instead she nods short. A bit in shock and confused. Why was he here with her in the first place? Maybe Coulsen made him do it, there was no way he would be here out of concern, he couldn’t last with her in a room for ten minutes.

Jemma swallows, het troat still dry. A other hand comes in her vision, she follows the arm and she sees it’s May, with in her outstretched hand a glas of water. ‘Drink it, easly. Small sips’ she says firm, but she can’t hide the look of worry on her face. Fitz helps her in a sitting position, so that she can lean against him. He takes her hands in his, to support the glass of water and brings it to her lips. The cool feeling is very welcome in her troat and she feels better.

She looks around. Bobbi and Coulsen arent to far away from her on her right side, clearing looking disaproval. Immendiantly guilt washes over Jemma. She made them worried and that because of her recless behavior. If she just went to sleep in her room like a grow up, this would’t have happened. She ducks her head down, tears treating to fall. ‘Jemma, what happened to your arm?’ Without looking up to May she awser: “cut myself while working” she can feel the ache strobbing. “It a clean cut, but it still needs treatment, can you help her up Agent Fitz?”

Before she could protest, Fitz was already pulling her up on her feet. Dizzyness setted in immendiantly and she grabes her head. “Easy, Jemma, I got you” it is sooting and soon she finds herself clutching to his arms, enjoying the comfort till he decide he had enough of it. But it never came, instead he leads her to a table in the corner of the lab where May waits to exaim her. He helps her on it without letting go, somehow it’s a relief he doesnt leave her. May is quick and her wound is bandaged before she knows it. And then Coulsen comes into view again. He lays a hand on her shoulder and looks firm in her eyes. “Jemma, why did you faint?” Again she can’t lie to save her life. She fumbles with het labcoat and refuse to meet his eyes, she could try and say it was the green smoke... But knowing Fitz, he already told Coulsen if it was possible or not. She swallows trying to find her words. “ I ... I don’t...”

“Jemma!” He demands. She flinches and hides her face in Fitz chest, tears starting to fall. Her fingers grabing his shirt desperated, in fear he will dissapear. Her body starts to schake and she lets everything out, every single frusrtation, every bad thoug, everything. She feels a hand in her tangled short hair, a hand rubbing on her back and HIM hushing soft words while rocking her back and fort.

After what seems like hours she doesn’t have tears left, her breathing start to ease. She feels something cold against her cheeks, she had soaked his shirt. She pushed away from him fast and mumbled a thousand appologizes, she didn’t even think it was for the shirt anymore. Hands press against her cheeks, softly stroking the remaining tears away. ‘It okay, Jemma. Not mad.’ He gives her a tiny smile. “You think you ... You can a .. anw...” She nods before he can finish. She looks at Coulsen. ‘

I’m not 100 procent sure but the lack of food and sleep may be the cause of my collapse. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, sir’ she promises. “ Care to explain the lack of food and sleep agent Simmons?” She shakes her head, not quite ready for that. “ Okay, why don’t you take her to her room Fitz” she could hear Coulsen say. “I let Bobbi bring some food. Jemma further I abandon you from the lab for atleast 24 hours, after that you only allowed in it this week with someone else, inderstood?” Jemma nodded, but she didn’t agree, she had tons of work just like the rest and the only one who could stay with her a whole day without having to move to another place was Fitz.


	3. Together

“ come on, we need to ... To move you” Fitz dragged her slowly to her room. Jemma was walking slow on purpose, afraid he will leave the moment they reach her bunk. She tries to read his face, but she can’t find any hate or other negative emotions. He slides her door open and leads her inside. He setles her on her bed, before pulling a pair of pjamas out her closet. 

“Put them on, right back.” And he is gone. She looks at her pjamas and gets reds. It was his shirt she had stolen before she went to spy at hydra, it made her feel safe. The blue shirt with a rocket on it and in big letters scientist. She smiles. 

“Finally smiling again” the voice startles her. It was Bobbi with a tray. “Your food” she placed it on her beside table. “You know you scared him, right?’ Jemma looks up in surprise. “ he was terrefied and rambling. We couldn’t get close to you, because he would have biten.” She nudged her shoulder. “Talk to him, believe me, it will help. In the meantime, lets get you dressed for bed, before he comes back.” 

Bobbi doesnt say a word when she helps her get dressed, even when she sees her bones sticking out and the dark circles under her eyes. “God, we really need to feed you, see how tin your fingers are.”

“Bobbi, don’t try to be the witch from Hansel en Gretel, I rather don’t have to trow your in the fire.” Bobbi smiles at Fitz. “Sorry, Grumpy, I let you feed Jemma make sure she eats the red apple, ke?” With a wink she leaves. Jemma giggles, it was Nice to see Fitz flutterish again. 

"You laughing me out?” Jemma stops, afraid he is mad, but when she sees him smile she know he is not. “ let get some food in you.’ He sits beside her, back against the headboard. He pats his chest and she lays against him. One by one he brings her food to her mount. After four crackers and a bit of apple she is full, he knows it not much, but she has eating something atleast. She doesn’t make a move to lay down, instead she lays her hands on his chest, grabbing a hand full of his shirt. 

"Fitz?” His name come ragged over her lips. He knows she nervous and afraid. “ I’m sorry, I”

‘Sleep, Jemma.’ It comes out more forcely then he wanted. “But...” She grasp his shirt tighter, unsure what to do. “We will talk tomorow, after... after you rr..rested.” Jemma shakes her head. “I need to say it now, I” Fitz signs. “If you gone be ... Stuborn, I'm leaving” Panick sets in, right after he said it. She is back in the pod, he pushing the oxigen in her hands, he laying on the ground and then in a hospital bed, pale. She hears her name being yelled, but she can’t get out. It happends over and over and over, like a rollercoaster. Muttering that he can’t leave her. 

“Come back, Jemma, it alright.” She sees his worried eyes, trying to find hers. “Im here” he says. She takes a deep breath. “Sorry, it happens sometime.” His hands are holding her face, making sure she is really back. “How many times?” She shuggered. “ when Im in my room, in my sleep, batroom” he almost didn’t catched that last one “Serious, Jemma, you can’t keep this stuff behind!” She looks down at het hands. “Look at me, Simmons, look at me” 

He was angry, again, she couldn’t bear to see the dissapointent and anger. “M sorry” she whispers. Fitz noticed her distrese, he signs to himself to get calmed down. Slightly he tilt her chin up, tears leaking from her eyes. “You should have told me, I could have ... Have helped.” Jemma shakes her head.

“I couldn’t burder you for help, I ...” She takes a deep breath again. “You’re angry at me and I was afraid you would be even more madder for me being silly. It are just stupid dreams, dreams that shouldn’t bother me at all. I couldn’t help you, you pushed the oxigen in my hands and I try to get you to the surface but I wasn’t fast enough and then your laying in that hospital bad for the ninest longest days of my life. I couldn’t burder you with this, because it was my problem, I’m the cause of your ... “ she wanted to say demagge, but thoughed against it

“ And you are working with Mack now, so I though you, you didn’t want to be my friend anymore and and ...” Her breating comes out in weezes and she hold her arms tight to her chest, afraid that her hearts would burst out. 

It was a heartbreaking scene. Fitz stared at her, helpless, his friend rocking herself in attempted to stay calm, but failing misserble. He reches out and takes her back in his arms, at first she fights back, knowing its no use, she stops fighting. Her face deep buried in his chest, taken in his smell. “Listen to me Ke?” He doesn’t wait for her respons. “What happened to me was not your fault, I de...de...decide to give you oxigen.” He lays his cheek on her head, while speaking. 

"And your dreams aren’t stupid either, I have them to. I want you to come to me if you have them again.” It was one of the longest sentence he had formed today. “I’m also worried about your panick attack, so you need to talk bout that to. And Jemma...” He looks into her eyes. “I was mad in the beginning, expecially when you left, but I’m not anymore. I’m still learning to place everything that happened and that doesn’t mean my anger reaction is against you. Besides I’m your friend even when I’m working in the garage.” 

Jemma stopped crying a long time ago. Her heart warmed by her friend words. “You feel lonely, dont you?’ Feeling ashamed she ducks her head down, but Fitz wouldn’t let her. “Jemma, this are important thing to tell someone.” He says soft with a tender gaze. “I shouldn’t feel lonely, because there is Bobbi and May and you and Sk..” The releasation hits him. Ofcourse Jemma would miss Skye to. She was pressured to help her fix her, Jemma was afraid she would lose skye like she lost him. Fitz scold himself, why didn’t he see that. “Would it help if I come by in the day?” 

"You don’t hav...”

“Jemma?”

“Yes, it would help a lot.” She admits. He moves himself against the headbord and pulls her down. “Good, beside you can’t go in the lab without me anyway” he teases. She slaps him playfully, resting her head on his chest.

In a low space he is letting his fingers massages her scalp. Her breating evens out, when he is sure she is asleep he presses a kiss to her forehead. “Sweet Dreams Jemma.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for all the spelling and grammer mistakes
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it


	4. The nightmare tells your fear

Her head feels like lead when she wakes up and she suspress a groan while blinking. Fingers are stroking her hair out of her face, it feels nice. She lets out a comfortable sign, sinking back in her pillow. “Jemma, are you awake?” She mumbles a bit. A chuncke fills the room. “Come on, sleepyhead. You need fresh clothes and some food.” _Food?_ Her stomach rumbles, but her mind disagrees, sleep is all she want.

She hides her face into her pillow, holding tight on the blanket. “Jemma? I knw you tired, you can sleep after you’ve eaten.” She shakes her head. She couldn’t remembers the last time she had a proper meal or sleep, but sleep was realy appealing now. She lets out a shriek when the blanket is ripped of her. She send a glare to the blanket thief. Fitz stood with a victorius smile on his face next to the bed, blanket in hands. “You slept eleven hours, come on out.” Jemma gives up the moment he walks out with the blanket.

She noticed how wet het sleeping gear is, it is sticking to her chest covered in redspots. _Blood_. She jumps out bed and takes a leap to the shower, tearing the fabric of her. She wash the blood away till her skin is covered in red marks. Her breating ragged, she has to find Fitz, his wound could be open, its the only logical explaination. She wraps the towel around her and sprints outside calling his name. Where could he be? She runs in the kitchen, its empty, like his room and the garage. She sees a light at the end of the hallway. She walks to it, hoping he is there. When she comes close to the door, she can hear voices. "It is ready, his parents are there and... Jemma” She sees Coulsen in his black suit, holding his tie. May looks at her with sorrow eyes.

“I’m looking for Fitz, did you see him?” May who is dressed in a black dress takes her wrist to pull her inside. Coulsen closes the door. “Jemma, I know it is hard, but you need to accept he is dead. “No, I just saw him, he woke me up he...” She looks back and forth beween May and Coulsen. “No!” She janks the door open and runs outside, calling his name. Tears running over her face, in the distant she can hear them running after her. She gets in the cargo hold from the plain and stops at the sight of a coffin. It is open. Afraid she walks to it, swallowing. Deep down she knows who it is. At the sight of his crulls she collapse down, sobbing, repeating his name. She feels hands pulling at her arms, people yelling, but she doesn’t care because he his dead.

                                                              

* * *

 

"Jemma, wake up!!” She is shaking that for sure, her stomach flipping and neasous setting in. She trows up before she can progress it. Her troat burning, her vision swaying. “Easy, it alright.” That voice, its him. She can feel his hands on her back, rubbing in circles to sooth her. Her mind was playing tricks on her, was he dead or not? She can’t keep the reality apart anymore. “It was just a dream,it Okay.”

When she is done she sees the puddle of vomit on her bedroom floor, she almost cries, almost. She feels disgusting, her body wet from sweat, hair clinging to her forehead. Her heartbeat slowing down, her mind calm. How longer she concentrate on his hands how more she remember from last night how more she believes it was just a dream.

Slowly she turns to face him. “Fitz?” Her voice shakes a bit and she curses inward when she sees tears in his eyes. “Sorry, did I wake you, you can go back to sleep if...” He silence her with a finger to her lips. “There that bad, huh” he whispering. It wasn’t a question. Jemma closes her eyes and nods. “I see people, sometime (most) it is you, in the pod or hospitalbed dying.” She sniffles, trying to suspress tears. He doesn’t say a thing for awhile, just looking at her with tender eyes. “We need to clean you up and the Floor aswell. “Yea, I Will get clearing suplies.”

With a soft tap on her arm he stops her from getting it. Shaking his head he says: “I clean, you shower or bate.” She protests, not wanting him to clean her mess. She knows it no use, but she still is Jemma Simmons. He doesn’t give in and she is standing in the batroom looking at the shower before she knows it.


	5. We got you

When she was at Hydra, she was someone else. Pretending to be someone else, pretending the water didn't scare her. She swalowed. Showering or bating was one of the hings she avoided or tried to avoid the most. Washing at the sink was more appailing, but Fitz would notice. 

A soft knocking brought her out of her thoughts. Bobbi stuck her head in the batroom. "fitz told me you got sick." She steps fully inside and locks the door, never taking her eyes of Jemma. "I know you have problems with it." Looking at the shower again Jemma awsers:" I don't know how to ... without having flashbacks." Ashamed she gazes at the floor and sniffles. Bobbi only nods. Without a word she opens the tab of the bath, letting it fill the bathtub. 

"I can't promise you won't have them again, but I can promis you I'm here to get you out of them." Jemma hesitates looking between Bobbi and the bathtube. A firmer knock startles them both. It's May with in her hands a swimsuit. "Pull it on" she pushes the suit in her hands. There is no room for protest and she knows that. A few minutes later she is staring back to the bathtube, not realy knowing how she got in it, proberly May or Bobbi helped her. 

She feels water sliding over her shoulders it nicely warm, for a moment she relax and then the water hits her head.

 _She sees herself in the pod with Fitz, but this time she stand next to herself. She can't hear what they saying, doesn't mean she doesn't remember. She sees how they got the idea of blowing the window out, they smiling, no she is smiling, the moment she turns around his smile dissapears. He had done the math before even they got started, he knew. She never noticed while they where working together how he was looking at her, like it was the last thing he would see. Jemma looks to herself, how was it possible she didn't noticed. was she that stupid! Everything is going faster, he says it and she cries._ She sees how he pushes thr button and she can't help it but yell at herself not to let him do it.

_Not a minute later she sees herself pulling Fitz out, but she can't get up, she realize she is drowing herself. She tries to swim but she can't. Bright colors are blinding her and she finds herself in the lab after Hydra. Fitz talking with Mack like they know eache others for years. The moment he sees her he stops, he can't find the words anymore, even her name is difficult. He looks at her like she is a stranger and then he leaves. Her world stops_

Jemma was staring and didn't react anymore. She was in another world. Bobbi tried to coache her out of it, but May didn't agree on it. It was the only way to fully know how bad her situatuon was. And they did find out the moment May raised a cup to wash her hair out. First she strashed a bit then she started yelling, mostely Fitz , no and don't leave me.

Fitz storms trough the door with Coulsen on his heels. Jemma was sobbing by now, still far away. Her breating inregular. Fitz cursing and climbing and in the bathtube. "Damn it, Jemma. You need to calm down and breath, women!" Wrapping his arms around her, laying his hand across her heart. " take a deep breath, lass. Take it with me okay?" Aftr a while she calms down, her eyes are still glazzy and she is limps in his arms. He lifs her up, bringing her to his bedroom. May and Bobbi helping Jemma get in comfortable clothes again, while he gets food.

When he is back, Jemma is still staring not aware of the world around her. He settles next to her to hold her tight and waits It takes a full hour till she blinks, confused. She doesn't remember what happened. He only says she is alright now and should eat something. May comes by much later and ask for previous flashbacks. Jemma signs but tells May anyway, even about the blackouts now and then. May listen till she done. "Meet me in the morning at 8 am in the cargo hall" she says and leaves. Fitz is a bit angry for not knowing how much pain  _his_ Jemma was and still is in.  

Without a word he lays down, pulling Jemma against him. "You a bit warm" he says kissing her forehead."you keep me warm" she mumbles without thinking.


	6. Fear of drowing all over again

"Morning, sleepyhead" was the first thing she heard when she woke up. She tried to ignore the headache right above her eyes and went to sit upright. She didn't miss the smell of fresh baked pankcakes and opened her eyes. Her stomach growled at the sight. "Hope you hungry" he smiles 

He placed the tray before her.

"All for me? Fitz, you now i can't eat that much.' He grins widely. "I'm starving to you know, need to keep my engine full." Jemma rolls her eyes at him. He settles next to her, not waiting till she starts. "God, 'is delious" She pokes him in the ribs. "Not talking with mounth full," she says taking a bite herself. But she can't disagree, this is good. "What time is it?" She ask taking another bite.

"10 am" Jemma almost chokes on her food. "Damn it" she sets the tray apart and trows the covers. She springs out of bed, almost failing over by dizzyness. "Easy, Jemma" steady Fitz her. He helps her back down on the bed. "I needed to meet May at 8!" Fitz stops her from standing up again. "I know, she came by this morning and told me to send you when you woke and had eaten, so..." She signs reliefed, rubbing her forehead in attemped to get rid of the killer headach.

The tray with pancakes is trusted in her hands. "Eat some more and then drink you tea, I will let May know you will be ready in 30 minutes, ke?" She only nods. Jemma does what expected, she eats (even if it not that much) and drinks everything in her cup. 30 minutes later she is standing ready in the cargo hall. May greets her with a firm nod. "I know alot has happened and your flashbacks and blackouts aren't healty, so I decided that I'm going to help you with overcoming your fear." Jemma doesn't say a thing, not sure if she is ready for what will come.

"I know it's scary, but we need to do this, the moment you bring yourself in danger because of your flashbacks is the moment I'm going to interfere, that moment has come." Jemma swallows. "I'm f..." "You're not, don't lie to yourself. It won't be easy, I know, but let me help you. We take it one step at a time." After awhile Jemma asks:" What do you have in mind exactly?" "Follow me."

Jemma and May are walking trough the halls to May's room. "Being the directors right hand more or less has his benefits." May opens her batroom door. A giant bathtube was relieved. "It is a bubblebad and a jackuzzi in one." 

"Impresieve." Is the only word Jemma can form. "We starting here, you don't have to get in the bathtube yet, we just gone think about it, because you were already gone before you got in it, you think you can do that?" Taking a deep breath she anwsers:" We can try"

" Good, remember you're not alone, I'm here and so are Fitz, Bobbi, Coulsen, Mack,..."

"And Skye?"

"Yea, even if she is not here, she will always have faith in you. Come on sit next to me." May pats on the ground next to the bathtube. And so she does, sitting next to May. Thinking about her friends, that they are here with her and that she can trust them. When the day after Gonzales takes over S.H.I.E.L.D she is not sure if drowing is worse then loosing her bestfriend again. Even if it was her idea to let him leave. 


End file.
